I wrote this in 2015. I can’t remember what prompted it. I guess the seeds of the current discord were already germinating. I’m wondering if we can start seeing and hearing and liking each other again…
Who Do You Think You Are?
No, really. It’s just a simple question.
Or is it?
I tend to check myself when this question is asked, or even implied - imposing a critical review of everything I’ve said or done in recent history to warrant that kind of attention. I often feel like the question has become a means of telling us we’ve stepped out of line, a way of intimidating us back into whatever collective thinking rules the day, because it almost always has the strong undertones of How Dare You.
But I would like to take the judgment out of those words and infuse them with something different. I would like to ask the question as an invitation to consider all the possibilities of you.
Who do you think you are?
And then.
Who would you like to be?
And then I would like to dare you… to be the person you would most like to be.
In exchange, I will try to offer you my most authentic self. “Try” being the operative word, because authenticity is naked and scary. But it will be a little easier for both of us if we try it together. It will require us to be courageous, because we won’t see everything the same way. We will probably disagree about some things and that will be uncomfortable. But perhaps we will also find that some of our dark and shameful spaces are shared and common spaces, and that will let in some light.
If we can tolerate the discomfort, I bet we will learn things from each other that will blow our minds and our worlds wide open. We won’t always find agreement, but we can work on respect. I would like to get really good at respect.
We will have to remind ourselves not to take it personally, because we will probably trigger each other. I may say something and you might think, why would she say such a thing or what’s that supposed to mean? In that case, I hope you will ask why would you say that? or what do you mean? Maybe the answer will surprise you. Maybe it won’t and you will have to tell me how it feels to be on the other side of me when I say those things. Hopefully I will be strong enough to hear those things.
But let’s jump in and try. I’m a little scared, too, but let’s see what happens when we use our lives as the canvases on which we answer the question: Who Do You Think You Are? Let’s revel in our truths and make this life our masterpiece.
I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours.
I KNOW who I am. I'm a Warrior Woman. I'm Tawanda from Fried Green Tomatoes. That person began forming in August of 2002. I had my pre-forming the year before when I had a small stroke, but after the resting, as my mother-in-law's dementia began to show, I knew that I needed to speak up to my husband and his sisters about her needs. And then in August of 2002 my mom who was visiting my sister in CO fell off a bed and broke her neck resulting in her being a quadriplegic. My other sister lived in CA where my parents did, and I lived in NC, but we were told by my dad and the CO sister that there was nothing to do at the time so to not fly out. That was a huge mistake. We waited for two months to go see mom when she was transferred to a rehab facility in Boulder. It did give me time to research, but it also seriously damaged my relationship with my mom, and allowed emotional damage to set in her soul. That time, the time caring for my mother-in-law while being asked by her daughters how I could stand being away from my own mother, hardened me, and slowly over years I've become a Warrior. Mom named me Deborah for a reason.
I've had my own medical issues since the 1980s, and know lots of medical stuff as a former volunteer firefighter/EMT. My husband, a career emergency dispatcher and volunteer firefighter, as well as a full-time graphics artist for emergency vehicles since the 1980s have consistently been around people in emergency services and the medical field. I did research on dementia and spinal cord injuries to find help and information for both mothers, to find financial assistance, funding, insurance, grants, assistive devices, studies, treatments, medications, anything available to improve the quality of their lives. I joined a caregiver support group in NC for those whose loved ones had dementia and soon became the one running the group. I've now helped people find support since 2005 in person, on the internet, and by phone. One thing I stress is that as caregivers we have to protect the people we are caring for by being strong, assertive, and just this side of being a bitch because the medical system is trying to kill all of us.
I am a Warrior and I will not let people go gently. I will fight for each person.